It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
