So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
