My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
