Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
