i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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