Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Boobs are out for the taking
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
