Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
