I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize