I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
