I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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