he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
