Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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