Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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