you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
