I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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