You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
