im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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