last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
