you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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