you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize