she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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