I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
