his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize