You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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