ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
