you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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