Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize