Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
