Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
