i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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