So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
