Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
