I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize