Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize