If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
