i think my tv is drunk
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
