yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
my phone needs a breathalizer
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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