Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
where are my eyebrows?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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