Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
