oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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