I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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