I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
