so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
