bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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