Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she woke up with a sticky ear
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
