Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
