hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like death gave me a hand job
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
