I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
