: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
