It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
