he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
