My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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