oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
