I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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