to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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