I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
