I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
