No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Randomize
