He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
did i walk over a car last night?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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