The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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