You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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