I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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