so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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